Caught in a loop of WHY... How to break that cycle?
Another day in Politics. The Prime Minister of Great Britain has resigned after a long campaign to be elected leader, the Conservative Membership voted her in over a majority of MPs. Forty five days started with ten days of mourning for the Queen and finished with markets in turmoil, Chancellors being beheaded when we thought they were safe and seven days to now appoint a new leader. Oh yes and this was preceded by two years of the former Prime Minister refusing to resign after he had been partying when ordering the Country to be locked down. You couldn't have written it.
And who am I to cast stones. Easy to be the commentator...
COMMENTATOR OR IN THE ARENA
If you sat down on the seat in our upstairs bathroom you would see a small framed article with stickers on it before you.
The stickers are from my son's sports day when he was eight. I was in a race with him against the other fathers and their children. My, you could suddenly feel this competitive spirit as everyone got ready. We ran, jumped over obstacles and I had to crawl under a parachute at one point. We won... More than winning we had joined in, no - to be specific I had joined in.
NAVEL GAZING - AND/OR PROCESSING
These writings may form the basis of something useful or not. They are as memoirs, a diary. They may be useless. But somehow having a place to process is comforting. Why is that?
I think, for me, part of having a place to capture the journey feels productive, positive and 'seeing it written' shows me I am wasting my time in iteration. And it's about my Mastery of Avoidance.
And it does eat a lot of time.
I am caught in a perpetual loop of avoidance. How to break that cycle? Do any of us put off things we know we should do? Will that dream never be realised?
I sat in the hot tub at the gym after working out like a Duracell bunny in the class and was reminded of when I skated. It would be very difficult for me to finish our Free Dance routine more than three weeks before the actual championship and I'd always look to incrementally improve it event by event thereafter. Some had their dance ready months before and were fine with that. Less stress.
On Cruise ships I would have a talk to do. I liked to make it theatrical with lights and effects when the theatres had them and it had a slide presentation, videos, etc... Sticky notes on the mirror in our cabin all week before the talk, incremental improvements. I couldn't relax until it was done. Ridiculous, I knew it.
I did a theatre show and incrementally changed it week by week. The lighting guy was ordering the slides and videos too. I think he gave up. On about the fifth occasion I had a monitor turned so I could see the slides that were projected behind me as I spoke. Some of them bore no relationship to the script I had developed from Show 1. I went ballistic at half time. We had a complaint that I swore as I left the stage! I try not to swear. I was adamant I had not but I think I did. I was so cross I couldn't remember and said something under my breath as I swept off the Theatre Stage - with a mic left on. (Oh I've heard that one before somewhere.)
I'm always trying to be better, the latest plug in for the music the latest learning on guitar or piano the latest distraction of writing this blog piece.
I have constructed my life so that no one tells me what to do. The problem is? No one tells me what to do.
I can do what I like and so I don't do what I don't like. Which is anything that leads to a deadline of sharing my music and completing it... So I have freedom and it gives no accountability.
Why am I like this? Come on.
I am the blinkered race horse. I see something and go for it - completing this blog for example. Then I see a brand I have designed that needs slight readjustment and re-filing and printing so I can use it online - so I run in that direction. Then I see the overall website design and I'm prompted to cut some sections and add in sections as I have designed a wireframe in the past and I can realise that here. Then I...
So I run in zig zags, I run fast, I get exhausted after running for a long time. I run hard. And I haven't crossed the finish line. Others crossed that line years ago at a canter without breaking sweat. I am ineffective. Where is my rider, my guider? I don't have one.
What can I do to move into a cycle of production rather than evaluating WHY I am doing what I am doing or HOW it all fits together?
A friend asked me if I was an ANALYST? I had never thought about it. But yes, I am one who analyses information, structures. I like to know how it works, in detail. Partly because I see the devil in the detail and have copious evidence for that being proven true.
SHOW DON'T TELL
Christiane my wife has always advised me - Show Don't Tell and I Tell Don't Show.
So give up then... Because you have been doing this for so many years and spending so much time and money and YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW... It's all nicely filed on the computer and on your music desk, or listed on the wall.
Well I am writing, I am creating and I am getting better and this website has blossomed since it was started a couple of months ago and is provoking my internal conversation... So I'm seeing what an avoider I am more clearly. And it's not comfortable.